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Giant carnivorous trees sighted: Be vigilant!
A local toddler is nursing a nipped knuckle and a bruised bottom following a nasty run-in with a previously undocumented Giant Carnivorous Tree (GCT) near the road to Richins Peak, according to the Cryptids Falls Monster Authority. The tree in question, a particularly vicious species called Sambucus gnashchompius, has been evaluated and assigned a rating of three skulls for extreme risk of loss of fingers and toes, as well as an increased chance of being gobbled up while in its presence.
First-hand account
A team of experts has been deployed to the Cryptwoods to scour for signs of a breeding population. In the meantime, authorities are advising the public to steer clear of the forest surrounding Richins Peak until a thorough sweep has been conducted.
âYouâll stay off that mountain if you know whatâs good for ya,â said Gregory J. Rutherford, the Park Ranger leading up the search for additional GCTs. âEspecially if you value your toes! I had all twelve before this here devil was found. You wanna know how many I have now? THREE!â Mr. Rutherford then proceeded to hold up his left foot and rip off his hiking boot, at which point in time the Chronicle was able to confirm the accuracy of his claim of only possessing three toes.
If, for whatever reason, you must explore the woods around Richins Peak, please keep the following info in mind to protect yourself against GCTs, as well as safeguard both your digits and your body from being devoured down like a delicious dark chocolate donut.
Physical traits
Oftentimes, it can be hard to tell GCTs from their normal, less bitey counterparts. But thankfully, no matter what species youâre looking at, all the creatures share a few distinct physical features that help make identifying them easier.
- GCTs are a lot shorter than normal trees, and their trunks are much fatter. This is to make room for the massive wooden stomach that fills the interior of their trunk.
- All GCTs have a pair of branches in the front with long, claw-like twigs that stick out of the end like fingers. Theyâre used to grab unsuspecting children as they bounce about through the woods, playing tag.
- If you stare closely at the bark on the front of a GCT, you can make out a pair of dark eyes and a jagged mouth full of splintery teeth.
Signs of a GCT
There are a few specific signs you can use to help determine whether a GCT has taken up residence near you.
- Thick globs of brown drool puddling on the ground â When GCTs get hungry, their mouth runs like a goopy faucet.
- Deep, choppy rumbles â When GCTs sense prey is near, the sound of their tummy grumbles are loud enough to make the ground shake. (Think an extra loud garbage disposal with bass.)
- A sudden lack of small mammals, birds, and insects â GCTs are forever hungry and utterly indiscriminate about what they eat.
If a GCT is near you, you may witness all of these signs or none. When in doubt, play it safe and contact the Cryptid Falls Monster Authority with any suspicions.
How to protect yourself and your family
- First and foremost, stay away from Richins Peak until authorities can clear the area.
- Lock up your pets and keep them safely inside your homes (with plenty of treats and belly scratches) for the next few weeks to avoid a sad and untimely end.
- If you notice any of the signs above, leave the area (away from any signs of GCT activity) and contact the Cryptids Falls Monster Authority immediately.
- If you or a family member are unfortunate enough to end up in a GCTâs grasp, there are a few things you can do to prevent yourself from being digested like last nightâs chili.
- Donât panic! GCTs are trees, after all, so you have the advantage of them not being able to just uproot and chase you through the foliage.
- Fire is the natural enemy of the tree, and GCTs are no different. Studies have shown a few flicks of a lighter near the bark of a GCT is usually enough to spook it into dropping you, which is your chance to skedaddle.
- GCT mouths arenât typically large enough to munch down a person, even children, in a single gulp. When it starts pulling you towards its mouth, spread your arms and legs wide, and pretend youâre a cat trying to stop itself from being put into a bathtub.
- While sharp and scratchy, the GCTâs long claws can also be brittle. As a last resort, snapping a claw can aid in your escape. Much like if someone were to break one of your fingers, the move causes the creatures much pain, which can provide enough of a distraction for you to get away. However, this strategy has been shown to backfire from time to time. And trust us, you do not want to hear about what happened to the unlucky people who snapped a GCT claw in an attempt to escape and werenât able to get away.
Citizens of Cryptid Falls, the Chronicle urges you to continue research on GCTs in your own time, take proactive steps to report any suspicious signs of potential GCT activity, and do whatever possible to stay away from Richins Peak and ensure the safety of both yourself and your family.
If we can all unite on this mission, this GCT infestation will be over before we know it, and we can all go back to exploring nature and doing the things we love.
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